Ally Heintz

Since Ally was born I have written an update at the end of every year to say how fortunate we are to have Ally in our lives. This year is no different! Everyday I thank God for every moment that we had with Ally. Do I wish we had more time with her? Every second I wish for that! I think the thing Shane and I struggle with the most is "Why?" I don't know if that will ever change. I want to share a story with you that Shane had found and had shared with one of Ally's surgeons. Maybe it helps explain the "Why" just a little.


"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, I'll open up your heart..." "You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted. The surgeon looked up, annoyed "I'll cut your heart open," he continued, to see how much damage has been done..." "But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," said the boy. The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up, and I'll plan what to do next." "But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart."

The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in you heart, I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels. And I'll find out if I can make you well." "You'll find Jesus there too. He lives there."

The surgeon left. The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery,"...damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration. No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy: pain killers and bed rest. Prognosis:," here he paused, "death within one year." He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud "Why did You do this? You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"

The Lord answered and said, "The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is part of My flock, and will forever be. Here in My flock, he will feel no pain, and will be comforted as you cannot imagine. His parents will one day join him here, and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to grow."

The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy, and You created that heart. He'll be dead in months. Why?" The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for He has DONE his DUTY: I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb." The surgeon wept. The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?" "Yes," said the surgeon. "What did you find?" asked the boy. "I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.


Thank you to all the people who helped support, love, guide, and care for Ally, Ashley, Shane and myself throughout this past year. My thank you list continues to grow and someday maybe I will have the strength to tackle it. But for now thank you to all the doctors, nurses, and hospital staff, teachers, co-workers, clergy; friends, family, and an entire community for everything you all have done for us.

A special thank you to all the nurses, doctors and staff who worked so hard to save Ally on the morning that she went to be in Heaven. I am constantly haunted by the images of that day but I take great comfort in knowing that you all loved and cared for Ally so passionately and that now she is forever at peace.

I love you baby girl,
Mommy


We are planning to start the new year off on a good note so look for a great update New Year's day with some exciting news! Wishing everyone a very happy, healthy, and safe New Year!

Merry Christmas Angel! Santa left Ashley a note in your stocking at Daddy's. It said that he had talked to Jesus and delivered all your presents to Heaven. I hope you had fun with them I'm sure there was a bunch of Lighting McQuenn toys and probably some Mickey Mouse things too!

I know you were with us today but it was still hard not to hear your laugh and see your beautiful smile on Christmas morning.

Watch over Ash she didn't have the best day since she wasn't feeling well. Hopefully just a cold but I have a feeling her ears hurt again and she just doesn't want to tell us so we won't take her to the doctors.

I love you Ally.
Mommy

Don't stay up too late playing with your toys!
Merry Christmas.

A friend shared this poem with me and I would like to share it with all of you.

REMEMBERING

Go ahead and mention my child
The one that died, you know
Don't worry about hurting me further
The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry
I'm already crying inside
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent
Pretending it doesn't exist
I'd rather you'd mention my child
Knowing that she has been missed.

You ask me how I'm doing I say
"pretty good" or "fine"
But healing is something on-going
I feel it will take a lifetime.

By Elizabeth Dent

I miss you Ally, every second of every day. When I'm happy and when I am sad. No matter where I am or who I am with. I always miss you most though when I see Ashley because I know she misses you so much too. I would give anything to see the two of you sitting and playing and laughing together again.

Help us all to stay strong Ally and when we can't be strong any longer help us to accept the support others offer to us. I feel like everyday without you gets a little harder to make it through. I know people say the pain is something you get used to, I just don't know how.

I love you baby girl,
Mommy

Ashley made it back from her week in Disney! She seemed to have had allot of fun. Lots of stories to tell me, that's for sure.

On Sunday, Ashley, my parents, and myself spent the day driving to Delaware to deliver toys to the Ronald McDonald House. I've always said that once we had time to help others, I would find ways to teach my girls all of the good we could do to give back, like so many have done for our family. Sunday was a first of many plans I have to create new traditions for Ashley and myself. I want Ashley to remember places like Ronald McDonald House as places that were life savers towards our family. People who went above the call of just volunteering, but caring for us as family! Without charities like this, so many families lives would be much more difficult when caring for a sick child.

After coming home from our day trip to the RM House, Ashley looked at me and said, "It felt really good Dad to help all those kids!" She then said. "Maybe next time we can go to the hospital and deliver them to the kids ourselves!" I smiled and said it sounded like a great plan for next year!

In the coming months, I have been working with Jill, to help another family in need. More details will follow, but you may want to save the date of Feb. 14th 2009!!! ( A red day for sure!)
All the help would be appreciated to ease this families burdens, so they could spend more quality time with their children, instead of worry about medical costs.

Shane

Wow, I love the fact all of you "Shane" haters have come out to comment. If you read the last update and could actually understand what I wrote, you maybe would of not had such nasty things to write. Maybe I should of started the last update with "This message was approved by Jill"?? Would you of felt better?

You are all entitled to your opinion and can continue to leave your messages. I dealt with much harder comments in the past year and will continue to still hold my head high.

Never once did I say I was perfect, never once did I trash Jill, who is still the mother to my children. The only two people who understand any of this is Jill and I, none of you! Period.

If you don't like what you read, don't read the site! I started the site, I own the site, and I will continue to manage and use the site to encourage others to help support others in need.

The last update was discussed with Jill, she had the option of telling you all herself about the divorce. She couldn't find the words to do so, and allowed me. The last message intentions were not to be mean or harmful, they were meant to allow others to know what was going on incase they would see Jill or I with others in public, and also to express my feelings on what I tried to do my best with, with all I could do. I also was only expressing my concerns for Jill's well being and my hope she finds more than what she had.

I understand who it is that has the nasty comments, and maybe you could one day tell me where my wife actually went? You seem to know her better than I.

Here is an inside hint to what Jill hates the most (if you knew her so well, you probably already knew not to comment in this way):

Jill hates to hear comments on how "Wonderful", "Great" etc. a mother she is. Neither one of us like to have this type of pressure placed on us. But, of course you probably already knew this. . . right?

If you want to continue to leave your nasty comments, by all means send your hate mail to aajsheintz@yahoo.com. I would love to respond directly to you one on one.

If you have nothing nice to say, or can't comprehend what it is I may actually be going through after a year of losing my daughter, my wife and my family, then please don't bother coming back to the site.

Thanks!

Ally, tonight I write this update knowing that you already know the news of our family and that it has finally come to an end. As of Friday, mommy and I are no longer married. This was your mommy's wish and what she wanted. Daddy tried for one year to get your mommy to feel differently, but others stood in the way.

Ally, I gave your mommy the first chance at writing this update, but she said she could not find the words to explain it. If she can't explain it, GOD knows I can't either. I guess you nor I will never know, WHY?

All I know are the facts of how I approached life with our family. I gave every ounce of me. I gave you, Ashley and mommy a life of joy and happiness, and I am so proud of all I have accomplished. I know that I never caused you or Ashley pain, and I know I made all of the right decisions. What I know is that no other man, father, or husband, could have come close to what I was able to do!!! This I know for sure. I think this is why I can easily get through these days of hardship with my head held high.

Ally, I am so thankful that the week before you left to be with Jesus, I took the time to explain to you what was happening. You learned the truth, and knew I was not the one causing you pain. Ally you told me that your home was here with me, Ashley and your kitties, and this I know is true. I feel so comforted at home, (even when most times I am alone) I can really feel your presence and love. That day after we sat and talked, you gave me the biggest hug and kiss, and told me you loved me, and knew I never caused you hurt or pain. Thinking back to that moment, brings such relief and peace to my heart and soul!

Ally, watching your mommy from a distance, listening to how she is dealing with life, and all of the decisions she continues to make, I hope and pray you watch over her. Mommy is lost and is searching! She needs a point of light, and I no longer can be that for her. I tried so many times to extend my hand to pick her up, just like I had so many times in the past. I can't do that anymore. Ally, help mommy find some spiritual people in life, ones who will guide her in a life that Jesus and you would be proud of. Help her off this path of where she is now. I pray so much you can help her, and guide her broken heart.

Ally, I'm thankful that even though times are tough, I still am able to wake up each day. Not just wake up, but wake up with a smile on my face. And most of all, I'm thankful that no matter how bad things get, my faith will see me through.

No matter where you are in life, no matter how bad things may seem, God is in the blessing business. And that is reason enough to give thanks.

God works through people, and He has blessed me to have Ally and Ashley in my life. All of my friends continue to support me, encourage me and inspire me. So, I take this moment to say that I will keep my dreams alive. Every set back in life is only a set-up for a come back. I won't let other people stop me from living. I will live more, give more, love more and laugh more. The moment you stop laughing at life; Life will start laughing at you.

Miss you Ally! Daddy will always do what is best for you and Ashley and continue to lead a life that makes you proud to call me Daddy!