Happy Thanksgiving baby girl! I am sure you had a wonderful feast up in heaven. No tubes, no gagging, no eighty million food allergies. I wonder if you liked turkey (you know how I feel about it! Gross!!!)? Dessert is always my favorite but you didn't really care for anything with a sweet taste so you probably did eat the Turkey!
I am getting ready to go out shopping with your Aunt Kell( I know it's almost midnight but if I can't sleep I might as well do something!). Shopping for Christmas seems kind of silly when I know what everyone on my list wants the most they can't have. I just want to skip past the holidays, somedays it is too tiring to keep moving forward with all the celebrations of life. I will make the best of it for Ash though and for me cause that's what I have always tried to do. Besides no matter how much I may want the world to stop I know it is not going to and I certainly don't want to miss anytime to make the best of things.
I am glad Ash and I are headed to Disney next week with Grandmom and Pop (not to mention your Aunts, Uncles, and cousins too)! All that chaos should be enough to keep me distracted for another week! I think Ash will enjoy herself but I know you will be on her mind alot, we know how much you loved Mickey! Make sure you join us on a couple of rides, I'll keep my eye out for you!
Hi baby girl! It is almost Turkey day! Tomorrow in school Ashley is going to dress up as a pilgrim for Thanksgiving! There are a million things that I am thankful for but I am most thankful to have been blessed with two wonderful children!
I was looking through old photos tonight and found this one of you. I am guessing the photo was taken shortly after you came home from the hospital for the first time so you must be about 9 or 10 months old. It cracks me up! There you were with two tubes in your nose, hooked to a ventilator and probably IV fluids too! Not to mention those lovely yellow eyes and horrific rash all courtesy of end stage liver disease. Yet you are still smiling!
Thanks for your smile baby it always made my day. I try to remember it every time I think of you but sometimes I just can't stop picturing the way you looked at me that final night. I wish it wouldn't have scared me so much and that I could've comforted you more. Then maybe you would have given me one last smile.
Help me to remember all the happy times Ally and help your sis so that she can keep smiling!
Hi sweetie. How are you? You were on my mind constantly today, which isn't all that different than every other day but most days I try hard to stay busy and keep distracted. Today no matter how hard I tried not to think about it, that ache for you was still there.
I guess it was only fitting I received your death certificate in the mail today. I shouldn't have read it considering all day I was borderline breaking down, but I read it anyway. How can a piece of paper explain what happened that night when every time I replay the day in my head I still can't figure it out. How could you be at the park at 4:30 in the afternoon and twelve hours later be in cardiac arrest because you were so sick! I don't understand, I don't think I ever will. I don't know why I didn't take you to the hospital Saturday, I don't know why I didn't know you were that sick! It's making me crazy.....I wish I could just hold you or just hear your sweet little voice.
Thank you for my sign today, that's about the only thing that got me through the day. I don't think any of the kids had ever really said anything to me before when I have dropped Ash off at school but that little girl today couldn't wait to say hi to me. I almost kissed the kid when she said "look at my red shirt and there's a little girl on my shirt too! With wings!" I said "wow, it's just like an Angel" and she said no "she is an Angel!"
Thank you all for your your prayers for a safe trip to Pittsburgh. Ashley and I had a wonderful time and got to catch up with many of our Pittsburgh friends. I think the weekend was especailly good for Ashley and she in general just seemed to be very happy. Unfortunately, she now has a double ear infection so please continue to keep her in your prayers.
On the home page I listed some information about a new fundraiser Shane and I are working on together, along with a new local company, Glass Tears, Inc. Glass Tears mission is to help people through their darkest hours of loss by providing a symbol of love that will cast light upon their path. We feel blessed, to have been given these symbols of love and support, to display in our homes and would like to invite others who loved Ally to purchase one and do the same. As I listed on the home page, half of the proceeds will go to the Angel Ally Memorial Fund. In the next few months Shane and I are hoping to begin sharing Ally's fund with various families who have excessive medical expenses.
For more information please go to www.glasstears.com and there when you click the glass tears link, you will find "Ally's Tear". Also if you want to read the poem that comes with the tear, please click on the poem link. If you have any additional questions, please feel free to email Shane or I at firstname.lastname@example.org. Thank you again for all of your love and support.
Ashley and I are leaving for Pittsburgh this morning. We are excited to go and visit with some of our friends but I know it will be a difficult and emotional trip. Please say an extra prayer for us.
Someone sent me this poem written below, and it gives me a lot of comfort. Shortly after we arrived at duPont that last night I took Ally to the hospital. I kept thinking how are we going to do this again, why can't she just get a break, life should not have to be this hard for a little girl. In the last 30 minutes of Ally's life I watched her struggle so much and in her short life she had to work so hard to just stay alive. Maybe God thought the same thing and maybe he thought the lessons she could teach us here on Earth were over and that it was just time for her to rest.
Thank you all for your love and support. We are all forever grateful. Hopefully this poem brings you as much comfort as it does for me.
"God saw she was getting tired
and a cure was not to be.
So he put his arms around her
and whispered "come away with me."
With tearful eyes we watched her
and saw her fade away.
Although we loved her dearly
we could not make her stay.
A vibrant heart stopped beating,
loving hands are put to rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best."
Another one of those sleepless nights! They seem to pretty much be the norm lately. I haven't written to you in a little while baby girl. Probably because most days I have just been too upset. I know you know that I think of you constantly and that I am always missing you. I am trying my best to be strong and stay positive but some days the sadness just kind of takes over.
Going back to work this week has been hard. I guess I never realized how much I talked about you and Ash to all my patients. Now I just don't know what to say to them. I can't stand to pretend like you never existed and I definitely can't speak of you as if you aren't here anymore cause I know you are always with me. It's just really hard to be around so many people who didn't know you, it is impossible for me to describe to them how wonderful you are.
I think most days I am saddest for Ashley, I just wanted her to have you forever. She loves you so much and took such good care of you. Its all of the little things in life that she will have to go through without a sister that really makes the pain of losing you even more unbearable.
Ashley did seem to have a pretty good Halloween though. It certainly was different for her considering since you were born we have spent every Halloween in the hospital! Not that Ashley ever complained about that because it usually meant twice the amount of candy and goodies! I am glad they did a parade at her school so at least she still had something different to look forward to.
I keep remembering Halloween last year in Pittsburgh. Patti bought you that beautiful Alice in Wonderland costume. Logan was the pirate and you guys exchanged pictures since you couldn't trick or treat! That was also one of the first days I say Tamiya, she was hanging out in her Jasmine costume! Ashley had such a blast too becuase she went to Jack's house to trick or treat in his neighborhood. I am glad we have so many great memories!
I miss you sweetie, please come and visit me soon. Everyone keeps telling me to watch for signs that you will come but I want you here now! I know your busy though watching over all of your friends. Please help to heal Anthony's pain, help John's drainage to slow down, and help Zachary get adjusted to life back at home! Don't forget to help all of their families too we know how much hard work they do and the strength they need to do it all.
Keep watching over Ashley let her know that its okay to be sad some days and that its also okay for her to just be a kid. Make sure she understands that she doesn't have to be strong for Daddy and I.