Hi baby girl, how are you tonight? Mommy's having kind of a rough day today. Nothing unusual really happened I just keep having that overwhelming panicked feeling that reminds me that you aren't here but that life keeps going on.
I think maybe I am focusing too much on going to the beach without you next week. I know it always took you awhile to warm up to the ocean and the sand but by the end of your weeks at the beach you were always having tons of fun! I always felt like the luckiest person when I got to sit and watch you enjoy life. Lord knows you deserved to do just that! It's just going to be a hard week but we will come up with something special to honor your memory while we are there.
I even had a hard time not being upset at work today and that's usually where I can keep myself distracted from my thoughts! I was rescheduling a patient for an appointment on October 13th and she asked me "will that be with you?" I didn't know what to say. Again, I know life doesn't stop but lots of times it feels like it should. I shouldn't have to want to scream, "no I had a wonderful daughter that died a year ago on that day and you will never know how wonderful she was"! But then most days I feel like screaming that at people who didn't know you or who don't know that I have two special angels. One that I get to tuck in bed at night and one that watches over me while I sleep.
Don't worry sweetie, I haven't lost my mind, I don't actually scream these things at people. I just want everyone to know that I am not just Ashley's mom but Ally's mom too! That I had this precious child who gave me an immeasurable amount of gifts everyday. And yeah, she was sick and her life was a struggle, but she loved to live life and she loved me! You just can't imagine what it's like to live everyday without you. It still amazes me that people can survive the pain of living without their children, and I am even more stunnedby the fact that I have to be one of them.
Ash and I will find you some special sea shells for you at the beach. I know you were always in charge of rinsing the sand off the shells in your big red bucket so I'll set it next to my chair for you to play with.
I love you Ally,