Ally Heintz » July 2009 Journal Entries » AboutMyBaby - online baby scrapbooks, photo albums, videos, birth and pregnancy announcements

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Tue, Jul 14, 2009 10:16 PM
Hi baby girl, how are you tonight? Mommy's having kind of a rough day today. Nothing unusual really happened I just keep having that overwhelming panicked feeling that reminds me that you aren't here but that life keeps going on.

I think maybe I am focusing too much on going to the beach without you next week. I know it always took you awhile to warm up to the ocean and the sand but by the end of your weeks at the beach you were always having tons of fun! I always felt like the luckiest person when I got to sit and watch you enjoy life. Lord knows you deserved to do just that! It's just going to be a hard week but we will come up with something special to honor your memory while we are there.

I even had a hard time not being upset at work today and that's usually where I can keep myself distracted from my thoughts! I was rescheduling a patient for an appointment on October 13th and she asked me "will that be with you?" I didn't know what to say. Again, I know life doesn't stop but lots of times it feels like it should. I shouldn't have to want to scream, "no I had a wonderful daughter that died a year ago on that day and you will never know how wonderful she was"! But then most days I feel like screaming that at people who didn't know you or who don't know that I have two special angels. One that I get to tuck in bed at night and one that watches over me while I sleep.

Don't worry sweetie, I haven't lost my mind, I don't actually scream these things at people. I just want everyone to know that I am not just Ashley's mom but Ally's mom too! That I had this precious child who gave me an immeasurable amount of gifts everyday. And yeah, she was sick and her life was a struggle, but she loved to live life and she loved me! You just can't imagine what it's like to live everyday without you. It still amazes me that people can survive the pain of living without their children, and I am even more stunnedby the fact that I have to be one of them.

Ash and I will find you some special sea shells for you at the beach. I know you were always in charge of rinsing the sand off the shells in your big red bucket so I'll set it next to my chair for you to play with.

I love you Ally,
Mommy

Comments:
Vickie Tim: Jill, Through all your trials and tribulations as you sit on the beach remember the one person that has brought you all this far and recite his words to yourself: "Footprints in the Sand" and remember Look around...her footprints will be there, You and shane carried her till the Lord took over! God Bless You! "This is the Day the Lord hath Made Rejoice and be Glad" Enjoy the Time you have raising Ash and Relax! I know it will be hard! Peace be with You~

Dawn: I remember going to college with the thought that from this point on in my life the new people I met would never have had the priviledge to have met my brother...and it made me sad. Sometime the fact that life just rushes on and doesnt stop when we hurt makes it all the harder. It's been 15years since he died and the beach still reminds me of him.... i think that is why i need to be there each year for the bitter sweet memories that i cling to. As a sister who lost a sibling--- THANK YOU for being such a great mom to Ashley and keeping Ally alive for her in ways like the RED bucket. I am proud of you!

Cris: I hope everyone coming and going at different times keeps you occupied....stay as busy as you can...I don't kno whow you will sit still on the beach....God I don't know how you do it Jill! Hang in there...at times the rope has to feel awfully tight. We are taking Maggie and Mya to the beach in a few weeks (the whole family too) and I will think of Ally while we clean off shells too. Love ya' Cris

Carol Yeager: Hello,
I was reading the mail that you sent and I want to say that I think it is great how you continue to allways include Ally in all of your family activities,I guess that the feeling of your dearest Ally being close to you is very comforting. I hope that you continue to allways feel her presence around you and that Ash will allways help to complete your life and allways help to fill the emptiness that you must feel since Ally went to be with her Angels.Ihope that you will continue to get stronger and live life to its fullest just as your little angel would expect you to do.Allways in my thoughts and prayers,Carol(sissypop52)

Nicki: Jill, sending you hugs to try and offer some comfort. My heart breaks for you. I remember all too well the 1st vacation without our Collin. One thing we did to keep Collin with us was to bring a framed photo of him from our trip the summer before. Try to enjoy your time with Ashley. I hope you get a special sign from Ally that she is there with you, if only in spirit. We usually have a pretty butterfly join us as we're walking up to the beach each day :) I'm just a phone call away if you need anyone to talk to. Take care.

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